hannah (a_silent_wisper) wrote in scar_myself,

Things I'm Just Thinkin' About.

Cutting my leg does not get me the same feeling as cutting my arm.
Cutting my arm feels so much better. So different.
I remember the first time I cut my leg, there were a lot of cuts, and it hurt so bad I could barely walk.
Let alone do gym.
I cursed myself for being so pathetic.
Well here it is, almost two years later and I'm even more pathetic than I was before.
Because now I know the consequences and I still do it.
But now, I don't feel too much pain when I cut.
It's called an addiction.
I regret it. Regret even being curious about going to the blade.
I didn't know what I was getting myself into.
And I didn't think I wouldn't be able to go one day without thinking about doing it.
The sad thing is, it's in my head.
I have the choice in stopping.
This pleasure is in my head.
And I've been spending almost two years telling that part of my brain to shut up, but it is just not working.
My boyfriend says I need to see someone about it.
But how the fuck is that going to help?
I don't need to talk about it because I know the answers.
I know it's in my head. I know that I have a choice in stopping. I know that it's all in my head. And there really is no way to stop wanting to cut.
I just have to ignore it.
It's just super hard.
And I don't want to go through my adult years cutting myself.
I don't want to be an old lady still cutting. Or having disgusting scars on my wrinkly skin.
It's my choice.
And I want this to end.
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I know this sounds weird, but you really do have to talk. Even if you know the answers, explaining yourself to somebody, talking, really makes you see why you do it, and makes you able to change your habit.
It has worked this way for me. I'm clean for a year now, and not wanting to cut anymore. Even though it's tempting sometimes. But I'm stronger.
I know talking to someone as your boyfriend said sounds useless, but there is no harm in giving it a try. Maybe a professional can help you and support you in making that part of your head stop. I think you should consider it giving it a shot. Try it and leave it, if it doesn't work.



August 23 2010, 03:35:12 UTC 7 years ago

you dont know me and i dont know you but i know how you feel ive been there. if you want someone to just talk to IM me at xBatmannigx, names becca btw
thanks guys. :]
but my fear is that if I do go seek perfessional help, they might send me to some nut house.
I heard that if I tell them I'm cutting they'll do that.
Apparently for safety reasons.
Does anyone know anything about that?
I have also not found it helpful to seek professional help. I have tried before & I am usually too scared to admit that I cut. When I do let them in on my addiction they still haven't helped me with it. For me it is such a joy & they look at it from a completely opposite perspective, they look at it as something bad. I know that I am not suppose to enjoy it, but I do & I don't think they understand this.
I think it interesting that you enjoy cutting your arm more than your leg. I am also a cutting addict and I get much more joy out of cutting my legs than cutting my arms. I'm not exactly sure why this is. I feel like I can hide more cuts easier on my legs than my arms. I like how much longer and deeper I can make the cuts on my legs compared to my arms. I like how much more I can make myself bleed when cutting my legs than when cutting my arms.

I also understand what you mean by it being an addiction. I haven't been able to cut in months because I've been trying to convince myself not to & also find it very difficult to hide during the summer. Unfortunately, I also just got into a new serious relationship & if I don't want him to know then I'll have to choose between cutting and the relationship. Since I haven't been able to do it in so long, I miss it so much. I think about it all the time and am constantly trying to fill my time with new addictions, but have yet to find anything as satisfying.