Cutting my arm feels so much better. So different.
I remember the first time I cut my leg, there were a lot of cuts, and it hurt so bad I could barely walk.
Let alone do gym.
I cursed myself for being so pathetic.
Well here it is, almost two years later and I'm even more pathetic than I was before.
Because now I know the consequences and I still do it.
But now, I don't feel too much pain when I cut.
It's called an addiction.
I regret it. Regret even being curious about going to the blade.
I didn't know what I was getting myself into.
And I didn't think I wouldn't be able to go one day without thinking about doing it.
The sad thing is, it's in my head.
I have the choice in stopping.
This pleasure is in my head.
And I've been spending almost two years telling that part of my brain to shut up, but it is just not working.
My boyfriend says I need to see someone about it.
But how the fuck is that going to help?
I don't need to talk about it because I know the answers.
I know it's in my head. I know that I have a choice in stopping. I know that it's all in my head. And there really is no way to stop wanting to cut.
I just have to ignore it.
It's just super hard.
And I don't want to go through my adult years cutting myself.
I don't want to be an old lady still cutting. Or having disgusting scars on my wrinkly skin.
It's my choice.
And I want this to end.